There was something about running that took ahold of her. Maybe it was her early successes. Or, maybe it was just that she felt so great, so joyous, so natural, so alive, so free when she was running.
The path was not all paved with happiness, however. As the girl saw rapid improvements, her
expectations grew at an equal pace. Her
competitive ego always wanted better, to the point where she forgot about how
incredible it was to run 3.1 miles without stopping. She lost sight of what an achievement and
transformation that was for her. She simply said, ‘I need to get faster.’
There was success and notoriety, but with this, added
pressure. Mostly self-imposed. She could never catch up to herself. With each new accomplishment, her
expectations moved ahead at an even faster pace. Then came injuries and set-backs.
“I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
“It is futile,” I said,
“You can never —”
“You lie,” he cried,
And ran on.
-Stephen Crane
This poem spoke to her.
She was 16 and already in therapy when she first read this poem in
literature class. She related the poem
to her running, chasing faster and faster times, greater successes. Years later, as an adult, she would realize
that she lived her entire life according to this poem.
The day that she became a runner she also became a high
achiever. She approached her workouts
and races with a certain drive and determination. When she heard that carbohydrates were
important for running, she became vigilant about eating pasta at lunch every
day. Years later, when she was no longer
the 75 lb skinny girl, but beginning to develop into a woman, she approached dieting
with an equally intense and obsessive determination. Eventually, this behavior was termed
‘anorexia nervosa’, but in her mind it was the price of success. She was determined to succeed at all costs.
When she became a runner, she became someone who
approached all of life with a certain drive and passion. She became devoted to making the best grades,
creating artistic masterpieces, having the perfect body, striving to excel in
all things she approached. For better or worse, she took everything in life to extremes.
And she tried to live by the rule to ‘never look back.’ Successful runners push forward. Turning back is a sign of fear,
weakness. So, she continued to move
forward, always working toward that next goal. And, she had
some successes.
Unfortunately, she could never realize her success because her attention was always
focused forward. She could not rest on her laurels for fear that rest would make her lazy. When she finished 2nd
place in a race, there was still that one person ahead of her. For that matter, even when she won the race, there were still thousands
of faster runners not in the race. And her focus was always on chasing what was ahead of her. She
seldom looked back at the many more runners behind her.
And she never looked back at the tiny 12 year old girl struggling to run 3.1 miles without stopping. She had left that girl so far behind that the girl was essentially forgotten.
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